kanotix.com
Anything goes - Jokes
Cathbard - 27.08.2006, 06:55 Uhr
Titel: Jokes
You know, we don't have a jokes thread as such. We have the "They walk amongst us" thread but not one simply for jokes of any type. Time to remedy that situation. To kick it off:
Three computer users, one Windows, one Apple, one Linux go to the restroom. After being done,
the Apple user washes his hands and uses a lot of paper towels to dry them.
He says: "Apple users are very thorough."
The Windows user washes his hands, takes only one paper towel and uses even the last little bit.
He says: "Windows users are not only thorough, but very economical."
Then they look at the Linux user who just walks out of the door, looks back and says:
"Linux users don't piss on our hands."
piper - 27.08.2006, 07:16 Uhr
Titel: RE: Jokes
LOL 
JimC - 27.08.2006, 12:38 Uhr
Titel:
I've heard that one used for Photography (Canon and Nikon users in the men's room).
Here's another old one that could be modified to suit other purposes.
A Kanotix user is walking down the road when he spots a big bunch of people mostly carrying large white lenses.
Impressed by the huge arsenal of equipment the guys are carrying, he goes in for a closer look.
Further scrutiny reveals that they all have Canon 1Ds (very expensive cameras) except for one guy with a beaten up old Nikon.
Curiousity piqued the Kanotix user, so he approaches the guy with the Nikon and asks why he has chosen Nikon when all of the other pros are using Canon?
'You mean these guys' replies the the guy with the Nikon ...
'Oh, they are all members of the local amateur photography club. They just hired me to take their picture.'
piper - 27.08.2006, 15:19 Uhr
Titel:
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
slam - 27.08.2006, 15:55 Uhr
Titel:
Well, piper - that's not really a good joke. I would define a joke something with some distance to reality ...
Greetings,
Chris
piper - 27.08.2006, 17:20 Uhr
Titel:
slam 
You have a good point !!
jjjrrr3 - 28.08.2006, 07:04 Uhr
Titel:
A public service announcement for Windows NT administrators
jbs1136 - 28.08.2006, 07:52 Uhr
Titel:
Can I add a link to a screensaver?
http://asktoby.com/#bsod
It is great to have it start as someone comes into your computer room. I put it on my son's computer and got a very nasty call. Then lots of laughter! He loved it although he is strickly windows and ie.
John
mdmarmer - 29.08.2006, 04:12 Uhr
Titel: IBM humor
http://mainframe.typepad.com/blog/2006/ ... meets.html
http://blogs.ittoolbox.com/database/db2 ... tent-11283
Mike
Cathbard - 29.08.2006, 08:49 Uhr
Titel:
A man walks into an Irish railway station and looks at the clocks. There are two clocks and both say different times. He walks over to the Station Master and says, "You only have two clocks, why aren't they saying the same time?"
The station master replies, "What's the pont of having two clocks if they say the same thing?" 
(Before anybody cries racist - my ancestry is Irish so I'm allowed. )
eco2geek - 29.08.2006, 10:24 Uhr
Titel:
- What you do want: English police, French cuisine, and German cars.
- What you don't want: English cuisine, French cars, and German police.
---
(By way of explanation, always bad for a joke, we Oregonians charge extra for bottle purchases and refund the money when they're returned; lots of Californians seem to move north to Oregon; and there are lots of microbreweries here.)
A Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian were sitting around a campfire, drinking. The Texan opened a bottle of whiskey, took a swig, then threw the bottle in the air and shot it. "Lots of whiskey in Texas," he said.
The Californian opened a bottle of wine, took a swig, then threw the bottle in the air and shot it. "Lots of wine in California," he said.
The Oregonian opened a bottle of beer, took a swig, and shot the Californian. "What'd you do that for?" demanded the Texan. "Lots of Californians in Oregon," he said, "but I can get a nickle for that bottle."
---
Then there was the time a man had sex with his parakeet.
He came down with a bad case of chirpies.
The worst part is, it's untweetable.
Cathbard - 04.09.2006, 17:53 Uhr
Titel:
A Windows user is driving to the airport and sees a sign saying "Airport left" so he turned around and went home.
eco2geek - 05.09.2006, 06:43 Uhr
Titel: Try this on your S.O.
From XKCD webcomics.
Cuddles - 08.09.2006, 12:48 Uhr
Titel: RE: Try this on your S.O.
How can you tell when you are in the "ethnic" part of Vermont?
There are maple sap buckets hung off of utility poles.
severin - 08.09.2006, 13:03 Uhr
Titel: RE: Try this on your S.O.
what's a utility pole?
Cuddles - 08.09.2006, 13:07 Uhr
Titel: Re: RE: Try this on your S.O.
severin hat folgendes geschrieben::
what's a utility pole?
For those who live "in the country"
A utility pole is where they carry the wires; power, cable, phone, to your building; either business or house. Used to be called "telephone poles", but, they have everything on them now 
Hope that helps
severin - 08.09.2006, 16:13 Uhr
Titel: RE: Re: RE: Try this on your S.O.
got it, thanks. I just couldn't figure what amazingly useful a pole might be
Cathbard - 13.10.2006, 13:35 Uhr
Titel:
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man
standing on the edge, about to jump off.
I immediately ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879,
or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Scrooge - 14.10.2006, 01:08 Uhr
Titel:
@Cathbard
turbowsr - 15.10.2006, 07:19 Uhr
Titel: Re: RE: Re: RE: Try this on your S.O.
severin hat folgendes geschrieben::
I just couldn't figure what amazingly useful a pole might be
I absolutely do not mean to offend, and I understand different people from different places...BUT that was the funniest of all the jokes.
<____________________________>
This happened to me the other day
I pulled into a fueling station to put fuel(petrol) into my truck. As I filled up the tank, a little fuel splashed on my arm. Figured I would wipe it off when I got home. I payed for my fuel and drove off.
I Forgot about the fuel on my arm, and lit up a cigarette. My arm Caught on fire. Desparately I hung my arm out the side window(not M$). A police officer saw me drive past, arm out the window blazing. The officer pulled me over and gave me a ticket.
Illegal fire arm.
Cathbard - 22.10.2006, 04:43 Uhr
Titel:
Ethics Test For Good Trade Unionists
(Replace John Howard with George Bush, Tony Blair or whoever appropriate in your locale.)
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest
answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will
have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
You are in Darwin, NT. to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by
a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You
are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the
middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying
to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the
water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer . . . somehow
the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's John Howard. At
the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options--you can save the life of "Little Johnny" or you can shoot
a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of the Australian
Prime Minister.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer :
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would
you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
h2 - 22.10.2006, 05:40 Uhr
Titel:
that's a tough one, I think to capture the raw fear and terror on his face, black and white would be better, but color would give all the vivid life like details. That is indeed a difficult question. I think I'd go with color though, more for the commercial prospects than the artistic ones.
bobdawn - 22.10.2006, 06:20 Uhr
Titel:
Agreed - he hasn't brought much colour into my life and it would look good in a black frame, too. BTW, I'm on the Queensland Gold Coast and I'm delighted that there seem to be a few fellow Aussies enjoying Kanotix. I'm on RC-4 and plan to run h2's script again, when my iBurst "broadband" connection gets a bit faster than its weekend dilal-up speed.
bluewater - 04.11.2006, 02:06 Uhr
Titel: I have a Linux car
I saw this on slash dot, and had a laugh
by CheeseburgerBrown (553703) on Friday November 03, @12:40PM (#16705403)
(http://cheeseburgerbrown.com/ | Last Journal: Friday November 03, @12:45PM)
The best thing about my new car is that it's free, which really jibed well with my bank account status.
The first bad news came when I tried to actually get in the car and drive; I received an error message on the dashboard that said, "No tires detected."
I got out and checked, and there were tires on the car, so I got back in and punched the steering wheel a few times. After a few hours of poring over the manual I discovered that I had to tell the car about what kind of tires I had, so, after some digging, I found the button to initiate tire declarations (for some reason it was called INI RUBBER-BASED ROAD INTERFACE LIB EZ). I pushed it and a little sign lit up saying, "If your Linux car is a 2006 model or better you may need to install a rubber-based road interface synchronizer before attempting to declare tire status to the vehicle."
I went to the hardware store and bought one, but it was the wrong size so I had to go back again. The instructions were in German but I still managed to wedge it in there. I pushed the button and went on with my tire type declarations, after which the car decided to recognize my tires.
Great, I thought -- now where's the gear-shift?
After hours of searching I gave up and called up a friend who's a real car expert. He chuckled. "Dude, only idiots use gear-shifts. Linux drivers use gear modulating paddles located on the sides of the driverseat. Don't you know anything about cars? Jeez."
I made fun of him for being a virgin and then returned to my car. Indeed, the gear modulation paddles were conveniently hidden under the edges of my seat.
I decided to take the car for a spin, so I pulled out of my driveway and the car stalled. A message on the dashboard said, "Before initializing for road driving, please specify your exact model of Linux car."
It then gave me a list of four hundred vehicle types, each with just a slight difference in model number. I was eventually obliged to take apart a substantial part of the engine in order to see the little model number on the side of the block. Satisfied, I inputted this number into the dashboard once I'd put the engine back together and started off on my first Sunday drive with my brand new Linux car.
Then I found out my car wasn't compatible with my iPod so I put the fucking thing up on cinderblocks in my front yard and took the bus.
The bus sucks, true, but you know what? It's a no-brainer
slam - 04.11.2006, 09:31 Uhr
Titel: I have a Linux car
Zitat:
The bus sucks, true, but you know what? It's a no-brainer
That's a very interesting and actually serious one for me. The best stuff I found in my life was always not easy to find and tricky to understand and learn - but most rewarding after I invested brain & time.
I therefore always wondered why so many people consider it an advantage that something is a "no-brainer". For me this was always a very negative sign, not just with operating systems:
What has been hidden from my eyes? Why am I not allowed to think and understand the stuff? Who has an advantage if I am not using my brain? Why do otherwise intelligent human beings happily declare themselves as brain-free? Where did they loose their fun & pride to learn something new? ... Ya see, many questions.
Greetings,
Chris
bluewater - 04.11.2006, 11:40 Uhr
Titel:
slam,, heh 'brain-free',i love that!, i just had a giggle over the:
'INI RUBBER-BASED ROAD INTERFACE LIB EZ). I pushed it and a little sign lit up saying, "If your Linux car is a 2006 model or better you may need to install a rubber-based road interface synchronizer before attempting to declare tire status to the vehicle'
Of course i realised that he did not know how to spell 'tyre' and 'synchroniser' .. perhaps thats why he was so keen to take a bus.
Still it was a giggle
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